Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

By Team Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers

DAMASCUS- If peace were a penthouse, it might include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That's the vision driving Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical progress-slash-luxurious real-estate calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.

Sure, The person who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. Instead of the same old Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're conversing Damascus, the town historically known for historic lifestyle, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.

"It is going to be remarkable. Huge!" Trump declared through a leaked golfing cart Zoom connect with, streamed through the putting environmentally friendly inside of Mar-a-Lago's Predicament Bunker. "We have had stunning ceasefires in Syria. Some of the most effective. But now, we're constructing them with balconies."

Welcome to your Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour

The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca in a very falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and solely away from location. Intended by Slovenian firm Ivana & Sons, the tower capabilities:

A 3-flooring Casino du Caliphate

The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation

A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Pleased Hour till the drone flies")

Plus a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely called "deeply American."

Eyewitnesses reported mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten several years for potable h2o. But Of course, sure, let us have Yet another area the place American Males can have on robes and phone it diplomacy."

Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains in addition to a pillow menu, obviously."

Ceasefire by Cabana

U.S. overseas policy analysts are contacting this essentially the most audacious peace try due to the fact Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. When previous negotiations failed less than the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's plan is less complicated: offer you Anyone a set to the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.

Based on paperwork printed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal incorporates "luxury diplomacy":

Ceasefires brokered by towel boys

Poolside arbitration involving rebel leaders

A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, entire with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.

"This is certainly delicate electrical power," said political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a agreement as well as a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO will not. Geopolitical gridlock desires fewer diplomats and much more minibar updates."

Just what the Critics Are Screaming

Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mostly into gold-plated intercoms installed in Each and every device. The UN Particular Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity observed, "It isn't really that Trump shouldn't open a tower inside a war zone. It's that he should really prevent applying it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."

Joe Biden, when asked regarding the undertaking, replied, "You are aware of, male, I after rode a camel in Beirut. Excellent individuals. Terrific tan. Anyway, do I however have that ice cream?"

Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a set for "future proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred on the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory with the Levant."

Satellite Pictures Expose… Trumpface Landscaping

Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit discovered that the hotel's landscaping types a giant Trump head visible from Area, a characteristic currently being marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is made from refugee tents and the chin is… perfectly, labeled.

Environmental groups have filed lawsuits soon after locating the developing's gold plating mirrored much daylight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and established fire to an area melon cart.

"It is really not only ugly. It's a war crime with curtains," mentioned Amnesty International's regional director.

The Melania Wing and also other Confusing Functions

Perhaps the strangest aspect of your tower is its Melania Wing, which consists of:

A Trump Tower Damascus silent atrium wherever company may ponder imprecise disappointment

A reproduction of her Slovenian bedroom, total with climate control established to "distant"

A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.

Community Syrians are Doubtful what to create of this. "Is she a ghost?" requested twelve-12 months-outdated Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.

Advertising and marketing Technique: "In case you Bomb It, They'll Arrive"

The advertisement marketing campaign, not long ago leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. One poster reads:

"Peace is Short-term. Luxury is Eternally."

An additional slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee shops:

"A Tower So Significant, Even Assad Has to Notice."

Public reception is wildly divided. A latest SnapPoll carried out inside of a hookah lounge shows:

34% say "it might stabilize the realm"

29% say "this will escalate regional kitsch"

eighteen% stated "exactly where's the closest elevator for the West Bank?"

Investor Praise: "Ultimately, a Disaster That Pays"

The job is previously attracting interest from Intercontinental investors, including:

A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights being a international minister

The Russian Guild of Oligarchs

And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who said he'll purchase three penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."

According to a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business level can even consist of:

A Greenback Shop of Geopolitical Alliances

A Topic Park Named 'SanctionsLand'

And an Escape Area Based on the Iraq War

Comment Part Chaos

To the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb post about the revealing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:

"Are unable to hold out to see a wedding in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades instead of rice."

Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:

"Lastly, a lodge wherever my PTSD can have transform-down services."

Another submit from @KuwaitiKardashian merely questioned:

"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"

Diplomatic Domino Effect

U.S. officers stress the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Property Arms Race." Reports suggest:

China may well open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad

Putin's daughter is setting up a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk

And Elon Musk has allegedly supplied to build a Tesla showroom within the Golan Heights run by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.

Even the Vatican has gotten involved. In keeping with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has presented to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the best floor "The Holy See-Degree Suite."

Closing Views from your Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™

In a very closing ceremony that associated a few camels, a flamethrower, as well as a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed around the speakers:

"Damascus required hope. It essential gold. It desired a waterslide formed like the Structure. I gave everything a few. You happen to be welcome."